Am I the mother I should be?

Early this morning as I sat holding Sam my mind wondered back to another baby that I have not thought about in years. 
A little history before I go any further, I graduated from Utah State University with a bachelors degree in Social Work.  When I chose social work as my course of study it was not to become a counselor but to focus more on the community aspect.  I looked forward to graduating and finding a job organizing community events such as literacy awareness campaigns or planning fundraisers for non-profit organizations.  I even thought that in time I would like to work on a political campaign.  I wanted to better my community and was inspired by the whole Hillary Clinton philosophy of it takes a village blah blah blah.  I had also decided the next best job opportunity would be to work in one of the local hospitals helping patients link up with services they would need after discharge.  I had loved both my internships doing exactly these activities and was just sure upon graduation something along these lines would be mine.
 I immediately starting putting in applications and sending out my resume.  It was not long before I got my first interview.  It was with the State of Utah, Division of Child and Family Services.  With in 24 hours I had been offered a job to be a caseworker in Tooele Utah.  In the beginning I was not sure what I was getting into, however I was quickly introduced to my responsibilities.  I was expected to investigate child abuse allegations, work with families to keep children safe in their own homes, and follow children who had been placed in foster care system. 
Now that you have the background let me tell you about the sweet baby I met so long ago. 
Being a caseworker I found myself in the position of working with a 19 year old girl named Crystal.  I had known Crystal for months and had been helping her work towards reunification with her daughter who had been placed in foster care almost a year previous. Crystal's daughter had been born premature with lots of health problems.  Crystal being so young was not able to meet or even understand her daughters needs and so she had been placed in foster care.  The foster mother had been wonderful in trying to work with Crystal and help her understand the immense needs of her daughter Alisha.  Over the year it appeared Crystal would not be able to take care of Alisha in the time allotted.  See in the state of Utah parents have only one year to meet very specific goals set forth by the Court to get their children back.  If they are unable to accomplish everything asked within the year the State moves forward to terminate parental rights and place the children for adoption.  The philosophy behind this is children need to have permanency as soon as possible.  I am not sure I agree with these guidelines but that is a debate for another post.
 On the particular day I thought about this morning,  I had invited Crystal to meet me at my office.  I needed to explain to her that at the next court hearing the State (meaning me) would be asking to have her rights to Alisha terminated.  This was never an easy conversation to have with a parent and I dreaded it each time.  Crystal entered my office carrying her second child, another baby girl that had been born a month earlier.  In the time I had been working with Crystal she had remained living with an abusive boyfriend and found herself pregnant.  I talked with this young girl for a long time and in the end she knew that she could not care for her oldest child and wanted to her be adopted by the foster parents.  Before she left, I asked  if I could hold her baby.  Crystal did not even hesitate to place her baby in my arms.  Emotionally Crystal was just a child herself and she responded to her baby as if it were a doll.  I sat there holding this beautiful little girl and realized that her behavior was not typical when compared to other infants I had held.  This sweet little girl was all curled up in a ball, she did not want to stretch out.  This little child sat perfectly still in my arms.  I observed this little baby for a time before giving her back to Crystal.. Once Crystal had left my office I documented my concerns about the baby but knew there was nothing according to the law that I could do at that time.  It was less then 24 hours later our office received a call from the Primary Children's Hospital.  They had a infant that had been severely abused.  This infant had several broken bones and was also suffering from bones that were in different stages of healing.  It was not long before I received the news that it was Crystal's baby.  The realization quickly hit me why this little girl did not want to move when I held her.  Her little body was so broken and she must have been in horrible pain.  All of this was caused as the result of  an angry boyfriend who couldn't deal with crying and a young mother who was not able to protect herself let alone this tiny baby.  I went home that night and broke down, I could not understand how a loving God could allow the agency of these two adults to harm one of his innocent children.  The only comfort I received that day was a phone call from Jon.  Jon and I were engaged at the time and he was finishing his tour with Navy in Japan.  He listened and reassured me that I had done everything I could at the time. I still questioned the Lord and his timing in this little girls life.  I meet again with Crystal days later and I had no doubt that she loved her children, she was just doing what she knew.  Crystal was just doing what she had learned from her own mother.  I realized at that moment how blessed I had been with a Mom who was selfless and always strived to raise her daughters to be strong faithful women. 
I did this job for almost five years and saw things that I will never forget.  I have undressed in the garage to protect my family from contamination's I had been exposed to in filthy homes where I removed children.  I experienced everything from cockroaches crawling on me to being called all kinds of vulgar names.  Each and everyday I wondered why these children were sent here to experience these kinds of hardships.  I left that job 10 years ago and I think I am just beginning to start to answer that question. In those 10 years since, I have run into a few of the foster kids that I worked with.  They seemed to be striving and doing well despite the odds they faced.  I have met foster parents who have adopted those children and given them so much love.  I think of those kids I worked with often and wonder where and how they are.  I have hope that their trials have only made them stronger and that somehow loving foster parents have helped them find the lives they deserve. 
As my beautiful son finished his bottle this morning and fell into his milk coma, I couldn't help but think, " I hope that  the choices I am making each day as a mom will effect my children for good". I hope I am helping them develop into strong young adults who can face the trials of life with strength and courage.  I have never forgotten my experience with Crystal and so many others that I worked with.  I have tried to apply those experiences in my life. I realized that day with Crystal that she loved her children and thought she was doing the best she could.  I too have realized that I am doing the best I can with my own children.  My hope is that other mothers (including my own daughters) who read this will know, that at times we all feel like we are falling short as moms but not to be discouraged as long as we are doing our best.  I believe that children being placed on the earth today are some of  God's most valiant,  I know he is well aware of those children and the tremendous trials they have had to endure at such tender ages. I hope that someday after my children are grown, I will have the opportunity to work with some of these amazing kids again.